Day in, day out, we are faced with an ever changing emotional landscape. How do we best adapt to our emotions, and how can we feel masterful in dealing with them? Most often, our jerk response to hard-to-digest emotions involves ignoring them or pretending they are not there. Sometimes we try to distract ourselves from emotions by watching TV, eating food, or socialising. But perhaps there is a better way to face our emotions, to not just process them, but to also understand and welcome them.
Why do emotions exist?
Emotions point to an underlying belief or story we are attached to. For example, feeling sad on the surface may indicate underlying beliefs such as, “I can’t handle life, I am not equipped to be successful, I am not loved, or I see no hope for the future.” Everyone has different beliefs depending on their life experience. Often these beliefs are unconscious and difficult to identify.
We can dissolve emotions by uncovering the core belief holding them in place, however, there is another way through to the other side…
Befriending emotions
Regardless of how an emotion shows up, we have a choice: to resist it, or to accept it. Resistance means running from the emotion by way of flighting it off, or refusing to feel it fully. Resistance means telling a story about why the emotion is there and attempting to reason our way out of it, therefore only feeling a small fraction of what actually exists. For example, anger may be repressed and ignored until a “breaking point” is reached, at which point anger is projected onto the closest target. In many cases, when anger finally bursts out, the target of our rage is not even the true reason we are angry.
The same can be said for grief. One may deal with grief by numbing out. Pretending we are not upset or feeling loss, or telling ourselves that “we are over it” (whether we are mourning the loss of a loved one, a job, or a lost pair of shoes) is another common way to circumvent grief. Yet underneath, the grief remains.
There are no shortcuts to processing emotions. Emotions are there to help us, not harm us. Befriending them is the quickest way forward.
Releasing emotions
To rid yourself of a emotion, once and for all, you must be willing to feel fully.
Often it is unnecessary to identify the underlying belief or story holding it in place if you are willing to experience the emotion in its fullness.
Here are some simple steps for you to experience and process your emotions in their fullness:
Name the emotion.
Name your resistance to experiencing the emotion.
Anxiety, for example, may be met with resistance because “it feels uncomfortable, it is inconvenient to feel this way, I’m not sure how to process it so I should avoid it, or I don’t want to be seen as vulnerable.” Whatever your resistance is, don’t be afraid to call it out. Naming your fear takes away it’s power.
Guesstimate how much of the emotion you’ve allowed yourself to experience up until this point.
Gauging what you’ve felt so far gives you an idea of how much more intense the emotion will get before it clears.
Give yourself the space to feel.
Feeling demands presence and time. If you are busy resisting or distracting yourself no progress can be made. Think about what environments nourish you. Think about what settings allow you to unplug and slow down. Nature or a quiet night in might be optimal settings for you to explore what emotions are wanting your attention.
Be messy.
Cry, scream, sleep it off. Do whatever is necessary to fully experience how you are feeling. Other people may find journalling, talking to a friend or therapist, or listening to music helpful.
Be the observer.
Blame, regrets, disappointment, and story telling have no place here. Practice observing your stories, and the emotions that come with them without judgement.
Reap the rewards.
Feeling fully frees us from our emotional turbulence, and the beliefs that hold them in place. Practicing radical acceptance of whatever is coming up is the gateway to freedom. On the other side of suffering is power, grace, and love. No more will you feel victim to your emotions, on the contrary, you will feel like you are in control of how you feel. By courageously facing our feelings we take away their power. Imagine a life void of struggle and avoidance. The power to create what you want in life is readily accessible when we are no longer distracted by fear of our own emotions.
Practice is key to mastery. Explore your emotional landscape with patience and kindness towards yourself. Lean on others for support, and remember that a life of love and freedom is yours for the taking.